Although I had already taken the first step on the road of self-healing by getting rid of the worst influences in my life a few months before, this second cancer came as a sort of relief to me. I had found life a hard struggle up to then, and was almost glad that something stronger than me had decided to remove me from it. I was not scared but I did walk around for sometime afterwards, feeling like I was no longer part of this world. My experiences had left me feeling alone and hard-faced, but strangely as it may seem, this second cancer was like opening the door to Heaven. There was no stress, no worry and something deep inside took control, making me see what I needed to do with unsurpassed clarity. This cancer was deeply set within my right breast, close to the chest wall and there was no question of further radiation in that area. My best friend Judy, one of life's true survivors and a tower of strength, held my hand guiding me through the maze of hospital corridors while I went from room to room undergoing liver scans, bone scans, chest x-ray, and blood tests. We spent the whole day there, and I was then subjected to an interminable interrogation by various medical staff, trying to persuade me to have a bilateral mastectomy, followed by chemotherapy and even the possibility of a hysterectomy. I vigorously refused all of that, but they thought I was in denial. This could not have been further from the truth. I had never been so sure of anything in my whole life. Judy, with her flaming red mane and larger-than-life personality, stood there like a northern fire goddess, backing me up and taking over when things got too much for me. As we were the only people left in the ward, she whisked me off to her former country home in the Borders, and I spent one of the most peaceful nights in my life.

Judy & husband Mike

It was just before Christmas and I resolved to have the time of my life. However, having been taken off Tamoxifen as it had not worked for me, I became terribly ill with withdrawal symptoms. I had not been warned about this and to be quite honest, I don't think anybody knew the effects this could have. I spent five days burning up, hallucinating, shivering, throwing up and in shaking fits, and then three more weeks being able to eat nothing but grapes and jelly, and consuming large amounts of water. When I came through to the other end, I felt weak but thoroughly cleansed. In January of 98, I had another lumpectomy which left me with a noticeable dent but an almost invisible scar. Having declined all forms of further treatment, I went home and carried on with my life, having by then surrendered to the loving attention from the man who later became my husband. I had graduated from the law faculty the previous year and was in the middle of my "Diploma" year when all this happened. Tiredness following the operation prevented me from coping with the lectures and studying and I decided to forget about becoming a lawyer, and just see what job I could get with what I had. Suddenly, I felt compelled to admit to myself that career really was not all that important to me. After a series of temporary placements, I ended up working in the commercial section of a local law firm, doing the opposite of what I had gone into law for, and ending up bored and stressed. By May 99, I noticed what at first looked like a pimple on the skin right above the dent left by my second cancer. I went to have it checked out and it turned out to be a small recurrence of it. It was removed without fuss and I recovered very quickly, in time for my second job as a commercial paralegal for an unscrupulous firm, which had the benefit of making me realise that working with lawyers was the last thing I wanted to do on earth. I was cornered into leaving and had it not been for the stress this whole situation had occasioned and the fact that I was in fact relieved to be going, I would have taken up the suggestion to sue them for the way I was treated.

But other than that, my life bore no comparison to what it had once been. I was truly happy, positive, cheerful and surrounded by good influences. My second cancer had somehow broken the spell and transformed me into a new person. Gerhard and I had tied the knot at the end of May 99 and were planning our main ceremony down in his home country, South Africa. This was to take much longer than we thought, and I decided to design my own wedding outfit, which comprised a tight-fitting tartan bodice with flowing muslin sleeves. All was going well but for whatever reason, I felt compelled to tell my dress-maker about my previous trouble with breast cancer and to make sure that the bodice could be altered if necessary. As it happened, I was once more proven right.

Continue...